dear diary,
it's been a long time since i've blogged about anything. i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine at work today regarding odd state laws. here are a few that make me laugh...
in alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. i've been in churches where a fake moustache would just be the icing on the cake and wouldn't really amount to much laughter. what about watching a grown man poop his pants during a church service? yeah, i've seen this. putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death (also in the state of alabama). really? what about pepper?
in clawson michigan, it is legal for a farmer to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. really? just those animals? why only clawson is it ok in the surrounding area? i've been to clawson michigan before and believe me they should outlaw dogs, cats, birds (if that's even feasible) too. also in michigan all dentists are officially classified as "mechanics". i had a dentist in michigan that smelled like alcohol...so...yeah i can see this one.
and now that i live in NC i found that it's illegal for rabbits to race along side of the road. law enforcement best be prepared for my phone calls on this one. also, state law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden. It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard...what if you have church in a hotel between the beds?
these have made me laugh quite a bit today...hopefully, this will make you do the same.
i love you all, and that's a state law...
maynard
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
dear diary (4th grade spelling championship) 03/09/2009`
dear diary,
i can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last blog! sounds like a catholic confession doesn't it? "forgive me father for i have not blogged"...anyway. a recent conversation happened with a good friend of mine regarding spelling, and it spawned a rant (call it what you want) by me. i hold several titles, "husband, father, son, brother, friend, reigning fire fighter of the year (F.E. alumni will understand this), and one i have forgotten about that i did at one time hold dear to my heart. i was my 4th grade spelling bee champion. why this is so significant, i don't know? what i do know is that i smoked the smartest girl in my class by correctly spelling "canoe". i remember this day like it was many years ago....because it was many years ago. i called out my friend for misspelling the name "aristotle", and thus begins the story of my climb to championship status. a term that will forever be in my vocabulary.
i don't remember much of the day. i remember prior to the spelling bee there was a lot of preperation. letters i didn't think i'd remember were spilling off my tongue faster than my brain could process, and correctly. i was on a roll. one by one, fellow classmates began to sit. one by one, i would watch them all drop their heads in defeat. you see the prize for winning said championship was a bag of bbq potato chips and a cowtail. a perfect combination for any young student in a private school trying not to be hyper. this was my chance to make a name for myself. penny face was the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. she was the smartest girl in every class. it came down to penny and me. words were being spelled correctly for most of our competition. back and forth, back and forth not one of us breaking, not one of us sweating over it either. then finally the word came that stumped penny and thus began my championship reign. i remember verbatim how this went down too...
mrs. dean: "ok penny, your word is canoe, canoe"
penny: "canoe, C-A-N-O-W, canoe"at this point, i turned and looked at her with a grin on my face. i had her, and i knew it, and i let her know that i knew it.
mrs dean: "i'm sorry penny, that is incorrect. ok jason, your word is canoe"
me: (i turned my body to face penny while spelling this. i wanted to see the look on her face as i championed my way to chips and a cowtail)..."canoe, C-A-N-O-E, canoe".
i remember my classmates jumping up and screaming in disbelief that i slaughtered the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. picture ralphie from a christmas story when he day dreamed about how his classmates responded once he turned in his theme. cheers from the joining class stopped their teaching because of the cheers. i enjoyed my chips and cowtail. i ate them in front of penny making delicious sounds that was certainly annoying her. sounds like survivorman makes when he eats something delicious in the wild after not eating for days. yeah, i rubbed it in. this was a great day.
i love you, and i love being a champion
maynard
i can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last blog! sounds like a catholic confession doesn't it? "forgive me father for i have not blogged"...anyway. a recent conversation happened with a good friend of mine regarding spelling, and it spawned a rant (call it what you want) by me. i hold several titles, "husband, father, son, brother, friend, reigning fire fighter of the year (F.E. alumni will understand this), and one i have forgotten about that i did at one time hold dear to my heart. i was my 4th grade spelling bee champion. why this is so significant, i don't know? what i do know is that i smoked the smartest girl in my class by correctly spelling "canoe". i remember this day like it was many years ago....because it was many years ago. i called out my friend for misspelling the name "aristotle", and thus begins the story of my climb to championship status. a term that will forever be in my vocabulary.
i don't remember much of the day. i remember prior to the spelling bee there was a lot of preperation. letters i didn't think i'd remember were spilling off my tongue faster than my brain could process, and correctly. i was on a roll. one by one, fellow classmates began to sit. one by one, i would watch them all drop their heads in defeat. you see the prize for winning said championship was a bag of bbq potato chips and a cowtail. a perfect combination for any young student in a private school trying not to be hyper. this was my chance to make a name for myself. penny face was the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. she was the smartest girl in every class. it came down to penny and me. words were being spelled correctly for most of our competition. back and forth, back and forth not one of us breaking, not one of us sweating over it either. then finally the word came that stumped penny and thus began my championship reign. i remember verbatim how this went down too...
mrs. dean: "ok penny, your word is canoe, canoe"
penny: "canoe, C-A-N-O-W, canoe"at this point, i turned and looked at her with a grin on my face. i had her, and i knew it, and i let her know that i knew it.
mrs dean: "i'm sorry penny, that is incorrect. ok jason, your word is canoe"
me: (i turned my body to face penny while spelling this. i wanted to see the look on her face as i championed my way to chips and a cowtail)..."canoe, C-A-N-O-E, canoe".
i remember my classmates jumping up and screaming in disbelief that i slaughtered the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. picture ralphie from a christmas story when he day dreamed about how his classmates responded once he turned in his theme. cheers from the joining class stopped their teaching because of the cheers. i enjoyed my chips and cowtail. i ate them in front of penny making delicious sounds that was certainly annoying her. sounds like survivorman makes when he eats something delicious in the wild after not eating for days. yeah, i rubbed it in. this was a great day.
i love you, and i love being a champion
maynard
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
dear diary (random thoughts) 01/14/2009
dear diary,
i was on the phone with my wife this morning as i drove into work. i cut her off in mid sentence so i can share what is now becoming yet another pet peeve of mine...useless information people plaster on their cars (be it personalized license plates and bumper stickers). now, not all bumper stickers are annoying...wait, yes they are. as far as north carolina? they are the WORST for personalized license plates. i hate them!! well today spawned an idea. my wife first blurted it out, and i ran with it and think it would make money in these dire times. here is the bumper sticker, and the idea...ready? here it goes. bumper sticker: "my grandchild was born by a midwife". ok. WTF????? am i supposed to drive up to this person and wave at them to tell them good job? this person obviously felt the need to advertise it, so we as passerbys (consumers if you will) are supposed to respond right? but how? useless, random thoughts. now, the idea...ready for this? my wife is the brain child behind it, so i will give her credit. however, i will take credit for my bumper sticker as i came up with it. we would like to start a bumper sticker making website that allows you to personalize your own bumper sticker. hey, if you can't beat them join them i guess. i would like to keep the theme of useless information though. for example my bumper sticker would say..."i had corn in my poop today". see? how fun is that? or what about..."my aunt called today". this will soon take the place of stupid little stick figures of your family plastered all over the back of your windshield too! i hate those things too. please feel free to leave your random thought as well.
i love you,
maynard
PS: i've never open mouth kissed a horse before
i was on the phone with my wife this morning as i drove into work. i cut her off in mid sentence so i can share what is now becoming yet another pet peeve of mine...useless information people plaster on their cars (be it personalized license plates and bumper stickers). now, not all bumper stickers are annoying...wait, yes they are. as far as north carolina? they are the WORST for personalized license plates. i hate them!! well today spawned an idea. my wife first blurted it out, and i ran with it and think it would make money in these dire times. here is the bumper sticker, and the idea...ready? here it goes. bumper sticker: "my grandchild was born by a midwife". ok. WTF????? am i supposed to drive up to this person and wave at them to tell them good job? this person obviously felt the need to advertise it, so we as passerbys (consumers if you will) are supposed to respond right? but how? useless, random thoughts. now, the idea...ready for this? my wife is the brain child behind it, so i will give her credit. however, i will take credit for my bumper sticker as i came up with it. we would like to start a bumper sticker making website that allows you to personalize your own bumper sticker. hey, if you can't beat them join them i guess. i would like to keep the theme of useless information though. for example my bumper sticker would say..."i had corn in my poop today". see? how fun is that? or what about..."my aunt called today". this will soon take the place of stupid little stick figures of your family plastered all over the back of your windshield too! i hate those things too. please feel free to leave your random thought as well.
i love you,
maynard
PS: i've never open mouth kissed a horse before
Friday, January 2, 2009
dear diary (wrong number...again) 01/02/2009
dear diary,
well...what a way to start off the new year with yet another good time with a wrong number phone call. by the way...this is blog 100 for me. as i prepare my lunch in the microwave, my cell phone rings. the caller ID says "unknown" so i know this has got to be a telemarketer...let the fun begin. luckily, my friend becky was sitting near by and so i was able to place the call on speaker phone so it can be witnessed. below is the conversation...
me: "hello?"
female voice: "is this antonio blah-blah-tinaz?"
me: "yes"
female voice: "i would like to ask you a few questions"
me: "i'm not wearing any pants"
female voice: "ok???"
me: "i like cheese"
female voice: "sir, you aren't by chance philapino?"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: "hello?"
me: "hello"
female voice: "hello, i'd like to ask you some questions"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: she started speaking in spanish to me...
me: i rambled useless jargin to her in response
she hangs up. tell me again why we don't want telemarketers to call us??? if anyone would like to purchase a recorder for me so i can have them at times of wrong numbers, i would be willing to accept it.
i love you,
maynard
well...what a way to start off the new year with yet another good time with a wrong number phone call. by the way...this is blog 100 for me. as i prepare my lunch in the microwave, my cell phone rings. the caller ID says "unknown" so i know this has got to be a telemarketer...let the fun begin. luckily, my friend becky was sitting near by and so i was able to place the call on speaker phone so it can be witnessed. below is the conversation...
me: "hello?"
female voice: "is this antonio blah-blah-tinaz?"
me: "yes"
female voice: "i would like to ask you a few questions"
me: "i'm not wearing any pants"
female voice: "ok???"
me: "i like cheese"
female voice: "sir, you aren't by chance philapino?"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: "hello?"
me: "hello"
female voice: "hello, i'd like to ask you some questions"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: she started speaking in spanish to me...
me: i rambled useless jargin to her in response
she hangs up. tell me again why we don't want telemarketers to call us??? if anyone would like to purchase a recorder for me so i can have them at times of wrong numbers, i would be willing to accept it.
i love you,
maynard
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
dear diary (people say stupid things...) 12/31/2008
dear diary,
this is begging to be blogged about. furthermore...this is begging for YOU the reader to leave your imput. i rarely do this...but i feel this would be fun to see what other people have to say on this subject. i would like share with you how annoyed i have become when people say stupid things. how am i supposed to respond to your stupidity? below are a few examples of what i'm talking about. there are quite a few people that subscribe to my blogs, and i couldn't be more ecstatic about it!!! i love that! i'm glad people subscribe to it. as a token of my gratitude towards you...whenever i decide to write a book with my blogs, each of you will get a free copy. wishful thinking maybe...but who knows? anyway...here is what annoys me. leave me your thoughts on what annoy you...
~ people saying "see you next year" when it's december 31st. for real? are you telling me that you're going to be M.I.A. for roughly 365 days? if that's the case, then yes...see you next year. otherwise? see you tomorrow.
~ people saying "have you seen my wife / husband" when you're at YOUR OWN RECEPTION!!!!! my usual reply..."you're married???"
~ people saying "have you seen my fiancee?" when you're at YOUR OWN WEDDING SHOWER!!!! my usual reply...."you're engaged???"
ok...now you get the point. leave some imput on this. i want to see what you can come up with!
i love you all...and see you next year ;)
maynard
this is begging to be blogged about. furthermore...this is begging for YOU the reader to leave your imput. i rarely do this...but i feel this would be fun to see what other people have to say on this subject. i would like share with you how annoyed i have become when people say stupid things. how am i supposed to respond to your stupidity? below are a few examples of what i'm talking about. there are quite a few people that subscribe to my blogs, and i couldn't be more ecstatic about it!!! i love that! i'm glad people subscribe to it. as a token of my gratitude towards you...whenever i decide to write a book with my blogs, each of you will get a free copy. wishful thinking maybe...but who knows? anyway...here is what annoys me. leave me your thoughts on what annoy you...
~ people saying "see you next year" when it's december 31st. for real? are you telling me that you're going to be M.I.A. for roughly 365 days? if that's the case, then yes...see you next year. otherwise? see you tomorrow.
~ people saying "have you seen my wife / husband" when you're at YOUR OWN RECEPTION!!!!! my usual reply..."you're married???"
~ people saying "have you seen my fiancee?" when you're at YOUR OWN WEDDING SHOWER!!!! my usual reply...."you're engaged???"
ok...now you get the point. leave some imput on this. i want to see what you can come up with!
i love you all...and see you next year ;)
maynard
Monday, December 29, 2008
dear diary (fun with gift wrapping) 12/29/2008
dear diary,
i'm so sick of the "holiday" season. i think i want to stab my ears if i hear one more christmas song. my daughter has followed me around my house playing her i-pod of christmas shoes until i admitted that i love the song just so it will stop. i woke up this morning with the song "we three kings" stuck in my head, only because i have a battery operated nativity scene that plays the song...and the batteries are about to die so it sounds really freaky and that's the version i was singing too. it almost makes one scared of baby jesus. watching the kids open their gifts from santa was fun. yes, my kids believe in santa and i'm not going to hell for letting them believe in it either, so you can just shut up. can you tell how bitter i am? i honestly think it's because of this time of year. i hate to admit that, but i think it is. everyone seems to be stressed. maybe it's because of the economy and the looming fact that we are on a downward spiral? i don't know. what i do know is that humor allows for brighter days. laughter is uplifting, and it's free. it doesn't cost us anything. i like to be the focal point of laughter a lot of the times. i don't see anything wrong with it. sure i can get out of hand, and sometimes i need to be brought back to reality...because i have kids now. they watch me, and mimic me and my wife. they like the same music my wife and i do. my kids love coldplay, U2 and everything that's in our CD player in the car. sorry...with 4 kids the necessity of having sirius satellite isn't worth it to me (i'd rather spend the money on food and clothing). anyway...i know i'm rambling really bad in this blog, and i swear i have a point...that's funny. it's a story actually. i guess you can call the aforementioned a preface? call it what you will. this time of the year reminds me of a time when a friend of mine and myself decided i should be gift wrapped at a mall. this is the same friend i broke into the mall with...let the story begin.
it was winter. it was a typical cold michigan winter. the kind where the snot freezes INSIDE your nose. i was working at roush racing with my friend rick. we found a box...a big box...a box big enough to fit me inside. so we took it. i put it in the back of my pickem' up truck along with a dolley. you see, we thought that it would be funny to see if i can be gift wrapped by the fine people at a local mall (southland). here we have 2 idiots wheeling a box into the mall with one intention. rick and i didn't really plan many of the pranks we pulled, we made them up as we went along. as we're presenting our case to the gift wrapping department i took it upon myself to climb inside the box and get into a fetal position so the box can close properly. laughter from the surrounding departments started to get louder as people gathered around to see what was so funny. rick decided to tell people that i'm getting gift wrapped for my girlfriend that i was going to propose to in 3 days because she was out of town and this was the best time for us to do it. i was single at the time. nobody caught that i was going to be like this for 3 days...they just thought it was romantic. this story changed once we entered the mall. the only change was that i was now naked (or so he told everyone that asked). there were moments were rick would say things like "i'm wheeling you into the food court now" just so i knew where i was at. everytime the cart would stop...i would move the box a little. i could hear people say things like, "what the hell?" or "did that box just move?" rick would then begin the story of why i was in there and that again...i was naked and was going to jump out of my box to surprise my girlfriend with a ring that never existed in 3 days. "aww...how sweet" would soon follow...not realizing that i would be like this for 3 days. someone finally got wise and asked, "if he's in there for 3 days, how is he eating and using the bathroom?" ahh...thank you for the bright question. rick answered immediately by saying i had an empty pickle jar and then he demonstrated on how easily a slice of sbarro's pizza slid under the taped slot in the box. people are gullible. the joke was to see how gullible they are. they believe anything. i like to think that somewhere right now there is someone thinking back on that one guy in the mall that proposed to his girlfriend (that i never had, with the ring i never owned, and really not naked). i hope i made you laugh.
i love you,
maynard
i'm so sick of the "holiday" season. i think i want to stab my ears if i hear one more christmas song. my daughter has followed me around my house playing her i-pod of christmas shoes until i admitted that i love the song just so it will stop. i woke up this morning with the song "we three kings" stuck in my head, only because i have a battery operated nativity scene that plays the song...and the batteries are about to die so it sounds really freaky and that's the version i was singing too. it almost makes one scared of baby jesus. watching the kids open their gifts from santa was fun. yes, my kids believe in santa and i'm not going to hell for letting them believe in it either, so you can just shut up. can you tell how bitter i am? i honestly think it's because of this time of year. i hate to admit that, but i think it is. everyone seems to be stressed. maybe it's because of the economy and the looming fact that we are on a downward spiral? i don't know. what i do know is that humor allows for brighter days. laughter is uplifting, and it's free. it doesn't cost us anything. i like to be the focal point of laughter a lot of the times. i don't see anything wrong with it. sure i can get out of hand, and sometimes i need to be brought back to reality...because i have kids now. they watch me, and mimic me and my wife. they like the same music my wife and i do. my kids love coldplay, U2 and everything that's in our CD player in the car. sorry...with 4 kids the necessity of having sirius satellite isn't worth it to me (i'd rather spend the money on food and clothing). anyway...i know i'm rambling really bad in this blog, and i swear i have a point...that's funny. it's a story actually. i guess you can call the aforementioned a preface? call it what you will. this time of the year reminds me of a time when a friend of mine and myself decided i should be gift wrapped at a mall. this is the same friend i broke into the mall with...let the story begin.
it was winter. it was a typical cold michigan winter. the kind where the snot freezes INSIDE your nose. i was working at roush racing with my friend rick. we found a box...a big box...a box big enough to fit me inside. so we took it. i put it in the back of my pickem' up truck along with a dolley. you see, we thought that it would be funny to see if i can be gift wrapped by the fine people at a local mall (southland). here we have 2 idiots wheeling a box into the mall with one intention. rick and i didn't really plan many of the pranks we pulled, we made them up as we went along. as we're presenting our case to the gift wrapping department i took it upon myself to climb inside the box and get into a fetal position so the box can close properly. laughter from the surrounding departments started to get louder as people gathered around to see what was so funny. rick decided to tell people that i'm getting gift wrapped for my girlfriend that i was going to propose to in 3 days because she was out of town and this was the best time for us to do it. i was single at the time. nobody caught that i was going to be like this for 3 days...they just thought it was romantic. this story changed once we entered the mall. the only change was that i was now naked (or so he told everyone that asked). there were moments were rick would say things like "i'm wheeling you into the food court now" just so i knew where i was at. everytime the cart would stop...i would move the box a little. i could hear people say things like, "what the hell?" or "did that box just move?" rick would then begin the story of why i was in there and that again...i was naked and was going to jump out of my box to surprise my girlfriend with a ring that never existed in 3 days. "aww...how sweet" would soon follow...not realizing that i would be like this for 3 days. someone finally got wise and asked, "if he's in there for 3 days, how is he eating and using the bathroom?" ahh...thank you for the bright question. rick answered immediately by saying i had an empty pickle jar and then he demonstrated on how easily a slice of sbarro's pizza slid under the taped slot in the box. people are gullible. the joke was to see how gullible they are. they believe anything. i like to think that somewhere right now there is someone thinking back on that one guy in the mall that proposed to his girlfriend (that i never had, with the ring i never owned, and really not naked). i hope i made you laugh.
i love you,
maynard
Monday, December 15, 2008
dear diary (runnin' down a dream) 12/15/2008
dear diary,
i had a weird dream last night. so what better way to tell you about it than this way? right? i'm glad you agree. i dreamt that me and my friend jeremy (i haven't talked to him in a while either which makes it even more odd) were going to see tom petty and the heartbreakers. why? i have no idea. i don't own any music by tom petty, which is even more odd. while wandering through the venue, we happen to stumble on mr. petty. for some reason mr. petty was every bit 6' 11" in height and resembled a lot like the gay country super group "big and rich" (i don't own anything by them either...i wouldn't be here if i did). i remember we were excited to see mr. petty, so much so that we threw caution to the wind and ran up to introduce ourselves. i'm 32 years old, but for some reason i acted like my daughter would act if she bumped into the entire cast of high school musical. i was giddy. i am 32 years old. i remember saying, "wow, mr. petty we love your music". tom petty looked at us, said nothing and walked away. at which point i looked at my friend jeremy and said, "wow, tom petty is a dick". i remember for the rest of the concert we didn't want to be there. even pearl jam's eddie vedder opened up for him. i didn't care. tom petty is a jerk, and we ended up leaving before we could hear "free fallin". which from this point on i will never hear that song the same way...ever. i hope you don't either jeremy.
i love you...except for you tom petty.
maynard
i had a weird dream last night. so what better way to tell you about it than this way? right? i'm glad you agree. i dreamt that me and my friend jeremy (i haven't talked to him in a while either which makes it even more odd) were going to see tom petty and the heartbreakers. why? i have no idea. i don't own any music by tom petty, which is even more odd. while wandering through the venue, we happen to stumble on mr. petty. for some reason mr. petty was every bit 6' 11" in height and resembled a lot like the gay country super group "big and rich" (i don't own anything by them either...i wouldn't be here if i did). i remember we were excited to see mr. petty, so much so that we threw caution to the wind and ran up to introduce ourselves. i'm 32 years old, but for some reason i acted like my daughter would act if she bumped into the entire cast of high school musical. i was giddy. i am 32 years old. i remember saying, "wow, mr. petty we love your music". tom petty looked at us, said nothing and walked away. at which point i looked at my friend jeremy and said, "wow, tom petty is a dick". i remember for the rest of the concert we didn't want to be there. even pearl jam's eddie vedder opened up for him. i didn't care. tom petty is a jerk, and we ended up leaving before we could hear "free fallin". which from this point on i will never hear that song the same way...ever. i hope you don't either jeremy.
i love you...except for you tom petty.
maynard
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