dear diary,
this is begging to be blogged about. furthermore...this is begging for YOU the reader to leave your imput. i rarely do this...but i feel this would be fun to see what other people have to say on this subject. i would like share with you how annoyed i have become when people say stupid things. how am i supposed to respond to your stupidity? below are a few examples of what i'm talking about. there are quite a few people that subscribe to my blogs, and i couldn't be more ecstatic about it!!! i love that! i'm glad people subscribe to it. as a token of my gratitude towards you...whenever i decide to write a book with my blogs, each of you will get a free copy. wishful thinking maybe...but who knows? anyway...here is what annoys me. leave me your thoughts on what annoy you...
~ people saying "see you next year" when it's december 31st. for real? are you telling me that you're going to be M.I.A. for roughly 365 days? if that's the case, then yes...see you next year. otherwise? see you tomorrow.
~ people saying "have you seen my wife / husband" when you're at YOUR OWN RECEPTION!!!!! my usual reply..."you're married???"
~ people saying "have you seen my fiancee?" when you're at YOUR OWN WEDDING SHOWER!!!! my usual reply...."you're engaged???"
ok...now you get the point. leave some imput on this. i want to see what you can come up with!
i love you all...and see you next year ;)
maynard
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Monday, December 29, 2008
dear diary (fun with gift wrapping) 12/29/2008
dear diary,
i'm so sick of the "holiday" season. i think i want to stab my ears if i hear one more christmas song. my daughter has followed me around my house playing her i-pod of christmas shoes until i admitted that i love the song just so it will stop. i woke up this morning with the song "we three kings" stuck in my head, only because i have a battery operated nativity scene that plays the song...and the batteries are about to die so it sounds really freaky and that's the version i was singing too. it almost makes one scared of baby jesus. watching the kids open their gifts from santa was fun. yes, my kids believe in santa and i'm not going to hell for letting them believe in it either, so you can just shut up. can you tell how bitter i am? i honestly think it's because of this time of year. i hate to admit that, but i think it is. everyone seems to be stressed. maybe it's because of the economy and the looming fact that we are on a downward spiral? i don't know. what i do know is that humor allows for brighter days. laughter is uplifting, and it's free. it doesn't cost us anything. i like to be the focal point of laughter a lot of the times. i don't see anything wrong with it. sure i can get out of hand, and sometimes i need to be brought back to reality...because i have kids now. they watch me, and mimic me and my wife. they like the same music my wife and i do. my kids love coldplay, U2 and everything that's in our CD player in the car. sorry...with 4 kids the necessity of having sirius satellite isn't worth it to me (i'd rather spend the money on food and clothing). anyway...i know i'm rambling really bad in this blog, and i swear i have a point...that's funny. it's a story actually. i guess you can call the aforementioned a preface? call it what you will. this time of the year reminds me of a time when a friend of mine and myself decided i should be gift wrapped at a mall. this is the same friend i broke into the mall with...let the story begin.
it was winter. it was a typical cold michigan winter. the kind where the snot freezes INSIDE your nose. i was working at roush racing with my friend rick. we found a box...a big box...a box big enough to fit me inside. so we took it. i put it in the back of my pickem' up truck along with a dolley. you see, we thought that it would be funny to see if i can be gift wrapped by the fine people at a local mall (southland). here we have 2 idiots wheeling a box into the mall with one intention. rick and i didn't really plan many of the pranks we pulled, we made them up as we went along. as we're presenting our case to the gift wrapping department i took it upon myself to climb inside the box and get into a fetal position so the box can close properly. laughter from the surrounding departments started to get louder as people gathered around to see what was so funny. rick decided to tell people that i'm getting gift wrapped for my girlfriend that i was going to propose to in 3 days because she was out of town and this was the best time for us to do it. i was single at the time. nobody caught that i was going to be like this for 3 days...they just thought it was romantic. this story changed once we entered the mall. the only change was that i was now naked (or so he told everyone that asked). there were moments were rick would say things like "i'm wheeling you into the food court now" just so i knew where i was at. everytime the cart would stop...i would move the box a little. i could hear people say things like, "what the hell?" or "did that box just move?" rick would then begin the story of why i was in there and that again...i was naked and was going to jump out of my box to surprise my girlfriend with a ring that never existed in 3 days. "aww...how sweet" would soon follow...not realizing that i would be like this for 3 days. someone finally got wise and asked, "if he's in there for 3 days, how is he eating and using the bathroom?" ahh...thank you for the bright question. rick answered immediately by saying i had an empty pickle jar and then he demonstrated on how easily a slice of sbarro's pizza slid under the taped slot in the box. people are gullible. the joke was to see how gullible they are. they believe anything. i like to think that somewhere right now there is someone thinking back on that one guy in the mall that proposed to his girlfriend (that i never had, with the ring i never owned, and really not naked). i hope i made you laugh.
i love you,
maynard
i'm so sick of the "holiday" season. i think i want to stab my ears if i hear one more christmas song. my daughter has followed me around my house playing her i-pod of christmas shoes until i admitted that i love the song just so it will stop. i woke up this morning with the song "we three kings" stuck in my head, only because i have a battery operated nativity scene that plays the song...and the batteries are about to die so it sounds really freaky and that's the version i was singing too. it almost makes one scared of baby jesus. watching the kids open their gifts from santa was fun. yes, my kids believe in santa and i'm not going to hell for letting them believe in it either, so you can just shut up. can you tell how bitter i am? i honestly think it's because of this time of year. i hate to admit that, but i think it is. everyone seems to be stressed. maybe it's because of the economy and the looming fact that we are on a downward spiral? i don't know. what i do know is that humor allows for brighter days. laughter is uplifting, and it's free. it doesn't cost us anything. i like to be the focal point of laughter a lot of the times. i don't see anything wrong with it. sure i can get out of hand, and sometimes i need to be brought back to reality...because i have kids now. they watch me, and mimic me and my wife. they like the same music my wife and i do. my kids love coldplay, U2 and everything that's in our CD player in the car. sorry...with 4 kids the necessity of having sirius satellite isn't worth it to me (i'd rather spend the money on food and clothing). anyway...i know i'm rambling really bad in this blog, and i swear i have a point...that's funny. it's a story actually. i guess you can call the aforementioned a preface? call it what you will. this time of the year reminds me of a time when a friend of mine and myself decided i should be gift wrapped at a mall. this is the same friend i broke into the mall with...let the story begin.
it was winter. it was a typical cold michigan winter. the kind where the snot freezes INSIDE your nose. i was working at roush racing with my friend rick. we found a box...a big box...a box big enough to fit me inside. so we took it. i put it in the back of my pickem' up truck along with a dolley. you see, we thought that it would be funny to see if i can be gift wrapped by the fine people at a local mall (southland). here we have 2 idiots wheeling a box into the mall with one intention. rick and i didn't really plan many of the pranks we pulled, we made them up as we went along. as we're presenting our case to the gift wrapping department i took it upon myself to climb inside the box and get into a fetal position so the box can close properly. laughter from the surrounding departments started to get louder as people gathered around to see what was so funny. rick decided to tell people that i'm getting gift wrapped for my girlfriend that i was going to propose to in 3 days because she was out of town and this was the best time for us to do it. i was single at the time. nobody caught that i was going to be like this for 3 days...they just thought it was romantic. this story changed once we entered the mall. the only change was that i was now naked (or so he told everyone that asked). there were moments were rick would say things like "i'm wheeling you into the food court now" just so i knew where i was at. everytime the cart would stop...i would move the box a little. i could hear people say things like, "what the hell?" or "did that box just move?" rick would then begin the story of why i was in there and that again...i was naked and was going to jump out of my box to surprise my girlfriend with a ring that never existed in 3 days. "aww...how sweet" would soon follow...not realizing that i would be like this for 3 days. someone finally got wise and asked, "if he's in there for 3 days, how is he eating and using the bathroom?" ahh...thank you for the bright question. rick answered immediately by saying i had an empty pickle jar and then he demonstrated on how easily a slice of sbarro's pizza slid under the taped slot in the box. people are gullible. the joke was to see how gullible they are. they believe anything. i like to think that somewhere right now there is someone thinking back on that one guy in the mall that proposed to his girlfriend (that i never had, with the ring i never owned, and really not naked). i hope i made you laugh.
i love you,
maynard
Monday, December 15, 2008
dear diary (runnin' down a dream) 12/15/2008
dear diary,
i had a weird dream last night. so what better way to tell you about it than this way? right? i'm glad you agree. i dreamt that me and my friend jeremy (i haven't talked to him in a while either which makes it even more odd) were going to see tom petty and the heartbreakers. why? i have no idea. i don't own any music by tom petty, which is even more odd. while wandering through the venue, we happen to stumble on mr. petty. for some reason mr. petty was every bit 6' 11" in height and resembled a lot like the gay country super group "big and rich" (i don't own anything by them either...i wouldn't be here if i did). i remember we were excited to see mr. petty, so much so that we threw caution to the wind and ran up to introduce ourselves. i'm 32 years old, but for some reason i acted like my daughter would act if she bumped into the entire cast of high school musical. i was giddy. i am 32 years old. i remember saying, "wow, mr. petty we love your music". tom petty looked at us, said nothing and walked away. at which point i looked at my friend jeremy and said, "wow, tom petty is a dick". i remember for the rest of the concert we didn't want to be there. even pearl jam's eddie vedder opened up for him. i didn't care. tom petty is a jerk, and we ended up leaving before we could hear "free fallin". which from this point on i will never hear that song the same way...ever. i hope you don't either jeremy.
i love you...except for you tom petty.
maynard
i had a weird dream last night. so what better way to tell you about it than this way? right? i'm glad you agree. i dreamt that me and my friend jeremy (i haven't talked to him in a while either which makes it even more odd) were going to see tom petty and the heartbreakers. why? i have no idea. i don't own any music by tom petty, which is even more odd. while wandering through the venue, we happen to stumble on mr. petty. for some reason mr. petty was every bit 6' 11" in height and resembled a lot like the gay country super group "big and rich" (i don't own anything by them either...i wouldn't be here if i did). i remember we were excited to see mr. petty, so much so that we threw caution to the wind and ran up to introduce ourselves. i'm 32 years old, but for some reason i acted like my daughter would act if she bumped into the entire cast of high school musical. i was giddy. i am 32 years old. i remember saying, "wow, mr. petty we love your music". tom petty looked at us, said nothing and walked away. at which point i looked at my friend jeremy and said, "wow, tom petty is a dick". i remember for the rest of the concert we didn't want to be there. even pearl jam's eddie vedder opened up for him. i didn't care. tom petty is a jerk, and we ended up leaving before we could hear "free fallin". which from this point on i will never hear that song the same way...ever. i hope you don't either jeremy.
i love you...except for you tom petty.
maynard
Friday, December 12, 2008
dear diary (christmas triple by-pass) 12/12/2008
dear diary,
tonight, just like any other night i read my kids a bedtime story. we said our prayer...making sure to ask god to protect 'grammy' as she travels to michigan to be with paw-paw as he prepares to have open heart surgery on monday. the kids are scared as kids wear their emotions on their sleeve (i'm not sure what that really means...we just tend to say that). but they tear up at the thought of paw paw having surgery, and grammy leaving for a month...and rightfully so. every night after stories, and prayers and talking, i turn on their radio / cd player so they can listen to music as they drift off to the magical land of nod. i would love to know what they're dreaming about. most of you know how i feel about the song "christmas shoes". i talk about how much i hate this song every year. it's no surprise. however, i find it really cool that people come up to me now and start singing this song. why? WHY??? it just shows me that you are reading my blogs...and that my friends brings me joy. yeah...i like that. what i don't like...is just getting my kids calmed down and stopped the crying and assuring them that paw paw and grammy are going to be ok. just in time for me to turn on the christmas station to hear what? you guessed it..."sir i want to buy these shoes". now i know what you're thinking...'oh maynard, you just got them to stop crying too'. no...they immediately started laughing at me. my children laughed at me. why? because they know how i feel about this song. i replace the words all the time when i sing it...they laugh. i laugh...and they ultimately go to bed with a smile on their tiny little faces. so as i kiss their cheeks good night, and tell them how much i love them, i hear this god awful song playing oh so softly in the background. i grit my teeth and bear through the pain knowing for the remainder of the night that this stupid song is now stuck in my head...all night long. all night long.
i love you,
maynard
tonight, just like any other night i read my kids a bedtime story. we said our prayer...making sure to ask god to protect 'grammy' as she travels to michigan to be with paw-paw as he prepares to have open heart surgery on monday. the kids are scared as kids wear their emotions on their sleeve (i'm not sure what that really means...we just tend to say that). but they tear up at the thought of paw paw having surgery, and grammy leaving for a month...and rightfully so. every night after stories, and prayers and talking, i turn on their radio / cd player so they can listen to music as they drift off to the magical land of nod. i would love to know what they're dreaming about. most of you know how i feel about the song "christmas shoes". i talk about how much i hate this song every year. it's no surprise. however, i find it really cool that people come up to me now and start singing this song. why? WHY??? it just shows me that you are reading my blogs...and that my friends brings me joy. yeah...i like that. what i don't like...is just getting my kids calmed down and stopped the crying and assuring them that paw paw and grammy are going to be ok. just in time for me to turn on the christmas station to hear what? you guessed it..."sir i want to buy these shoes". now i know what you're thinking...'oh maynard, you just got them to stop crying too'. no...they immediately started laughing at me. my children laughed at me. why? because they know how i feel about this song. i replace the words all the time when i sing it...they laugh. i laugh...and they ultimately go to bed with a smile on their tiny little faces. so as i kiss their cheeks good night, and tell them how much i love them, i hear this god awful song playing oh so softly in the background. i grit my teeth and bear through the pain knowing for the remainder of the night that this stupid song is now stuck in my head...all night long. all night long.
i love you,
maynard
Monday, December 8, 2008
dear diary (ultimate fighter) 12/08/2008
dear diary,
i am not a fan of ultimate fighter. i have seen them, i just don't enjoy them. i was watching snippets of the most recent UFC the other night, and it dawned on me that i could actually win at this. my technique is a simple strategy that would involve being in close, tight proximatey to my opponent (the trick would be getting close before getting killed). but once up close, my technique would kick in. it's simple. i would whisper in his ear how much i enjoy wrestling with him, and how good he smells. i figure one of two things would happen at this point (A) he would freak out and then i could scissor kick him into submission or (B) i risk the chance of getting annialited. my bet would be choice "A" and the reason for this is because generally they are homophobic anyway and that would just scare them, thus allowing my scissorkicks that i've been working on now for quite some time to take effect. i think it would be funny too during the press conference when he's asked, "what happened? you just quit fighting?" he would probably say, "maynard told me i smelled good and that he liked being this close to me". that's when i would become stupid and be like..."what are you talking about?" much like this blog...what am i talking about? i have no earthly idea.
i love you,
maynard
i am not a fan of ultimate fighter. i have seen them, i just don't enjoy them. i was watching snippets of the most recent UFC the other night, and it dawned on me that i could actually win at this. my technique is a simple strategy that would involve being in close, tight proximatey to my opponent (the trick would be getting close before getting killed). but once up close, my technique would kick in. it's simple. i would whisper in his ear how much i enjoy wrestling with him, and how good he smells. i figure one of two things would happen at this point (A) he would freak out and then i could scissor kick him into submission or (B) i risk the chance of getting annialited. my bet would be choice "A" and the reason for this is because generally they are homophobic anyway and that would just scare them, thus allowing my scissorkicks that i've been working on now for quite some time to take effect. i think it would be funny too during the press conference when he's asked, "what happened? you just quit fighting?" he would probably say, "maynard told me i smelled good and that he liked being this close to me". that's when i would become stupid and be like..."what are you talking about?" much like this blog...what am i talking about? i have no earthly idea.
i love you,
maynard
Monday, December 1, 2008
dear diary (people make me sick) 12/01/2008
dear diary,
i claim christianity. i don't always portray that of a "christian" but i am one. i love jesus. i work in a service industry environment both at my real job during the day, and on the weekends waiting tables. it's tough to portray a christian attitude, lifestyle, and all that goes along with being a christian when you are in a service type of industry. i've debated on writing this now for a while, but yesterday for me was the straw that broke the camal's back. i will now vent my human side, because i am human, or is it that i feel lead to do it? you be the judge... people make me sick. i would like to ask you what demographic of people generally show up to a restaraunt on sunday afternoon dressed up in their suits, ties, dresses, dress shoes, and not a hair out of place? can you guess? they are generally coming from a church of some kind. i wish i am making this up but i would like to continue to describe the personality of these people. 99.9% of them have a scoured look on their face (kids included), they seem extremely unhappy, and extremely demanding. who am i speaking about? one would be lead to believe they are "christians". if the shoe fits right? i fall into this category as well, so i'm not pointing fingers by any means. but since i claim christianity, i am more opened to recognizing this attitude. whether or not we mean to portray it, it is being portrayed. i work 2 jobs not because i want to, but because i have to. i started working sundays because of christmas coming up so i have been exposed for the moment of the typical sunday afternoon christian crowd that comes into a restaraunt to feed themselves and to be waited on. yes, to be waited upon. were christians not called to be servants? that's not why i serve, but you know what i mean. i overheard a co-worker talk about a fellow believer and the attitude they portray. and i would like to quote what she said, "this is why i don't go to church. they are hateful a**holes, and are hypocrites" she was speaking to another co-worker who was agreeing with her. at first i wanted to jump out of my skin, but then i thought about what she was saying, and unfortunately i agreed with her. she's right. and they were. but am i? sure, i can be. am i wrong? absolutely. do i ask myself questions and then answer them? you bet i do. now a typical saturday night is different. you don't know the demographic that comes into the restaraunt. they can range from the hardcore christian to the hardcore atheist...you just don't know. what i do know, the attitude is different on saturday nights. i see it. i witness it first hand. it makes me ill. it's put me in check with myself and how i treat other people, if in fact i claim to be a christian. i got stiffed yesterday by a table. i was pissed. i still am. but what can i do about it? i can get over it and move on. these people that stiffed me were dressed up very nice, and came in during the hours of 1pm - 3pm too. i know i'm not a bad server because my tips prove that i'm not. i make good money doing it. i get compliments, and i don't have a problem telling you i do either. but as a christian, i must get over it and continue to "love my neighbor" and that my friend is hard to do. i know that may seem cliche to say as a christian, but it's the truth. how can i show the love of god when i'm not portraying it? maybe the problem is me. what if i do my job to the best of my ability as "if i'm working for the lord". does he not take care of me and my family? yes he does. so why am i even making an ordeal about it? maybe to shed light on our behavior, if in fact we claim to be a christian should we not at least act like it? i am guilty of this as well. why would someone want to be a part of this lifestyle when they are portrayed as "a**hole hypocrites?" it opened my eyes. hopefully it will yours.
this time, i mean it...i love you,
maynard
i claim christianity. i don't always portray that of a "christian" but i am one. i love jesus. i work in a service industry environment both at my real job during the day, and on the weekends waiting tables. it's tough to portray a christian attitude, lifestyle, and all that goes along with being a christian when you are in a service type of industry. i've debated on writing this now for a while, but yesterday for me was the straw that broke the camal's back. i will now vent my human side, because i am human, or is it that i feel lead to do it? you be the judge... people make me sick. i would like to ask you what demographic of people generally show up to a restaraunt on sunday afternoon dressed up in their suits, ties, dresses, dress shoes, and not a hair out of place? can you guess? they are generally coming from a church of some kind. i wish i am making this up but i would like to continue to describe the personality of these people. 99.9% of them have a scoured look on their face (kids included), they seem extremely unhappy, and extremely demanding. who am i speaking about? one would be lead to believe they are "christians". if the shoe fits right? i fall into this category as well, so i'm not pointing fingers by any means. but since i claim christianity, i am more opened to recognizing this attitude. whether or not we mean to portray it, it is being portrayed. i work 2 jobs not because i want to, but because i have to. i started working sundays because of christmas coming up so i have been exposed for the moment of the typical sunday afternoon christian crowd that comes into a restaraunt to feed themselves and to be waited on. yes, to be waited upon. were christians not called to be servants? that's not why i serve, but you know what i mean. i overheard a co-worker talk about a fellow believer and the attitude they portray. and i would like to quote what she said, "this is why i don't go to church. they are hateful a**holes, and are hypocrites" she was speaking to another co-worker who was agreeing with her. at first i wanted to jump out of my skin, but then i thought about what she was saying, and unfortunately i agreed with her. she's right. and they were. but am i? sure, i can be. am i wrong? absolutely. do i ask myself questions and then answer them? you bet i do. now a typical saturday night is different. you don't know the demographic that comes into the restaraunt. they can range from the hardcore christian to the hardcore atheist...you just don't know. what i do know, the attitude is different on saturday nights. i see it. i witness it first hand. it makes me ill. it's put me in check with myself and how i treat other people, if in fact i claim to be a christian. i got stiffed yesterday by a table. i was pissed. i still am. but what can i do about it? i can get over it and move on. these people that stiffed me were dressed up very nice, and came in during the hours of 1pm - 3pm too. i know i'm not a bad server because my tips prove that i'm not. i make good money doing it. i get compliments, and i don't have a problem telling you i do either. but as a christian, i must get over it and continue to "love my neighbor" and that my friend is hard to do. i know that may seem cliche to say as a christian, but it's the truth. how can i show the love of god when i'm not portraying it? maybe the problem is me. what if i do my job to the best of my ability as "if i'm working for the lord". does he not take care of me and my family? yes he does. so why am i even making an ordeal about it? maybe to shed light on our behavior, if in fact we claim to be a christian should we not at least act like it? i am guilty of this as well. why would someone want to be a part of this lifestyle when they are portrayed as "a**hole hypocrites?" it opened my eyes. hopefully it will yours.
this time, i mean it...i love you,
maynard
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