dear diary,
it's been a long time since i've blogged about anything. i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine at work today regarding odd state laws. here are a few that make me laugh...
in alabama it is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church. i've been in churches where a fake moustache would just be the icing on the cake and wouldn't really amount to much laughter. what about watching a grown man poop his pants during a church service? yeah, i've seen this. putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death (also in the state of alabama). really? what about pepper?
in clawson michigan, it is legal for a farmer to "sleep with his pigs, cows, horses, goats, and chickens. really? just those animals? why only clawson is it ok in the surrounding area? i've been to clawson michigan before and believe me they should outlaw dogs, cats, birds (if that's even feasible) too. also in michigan all dentists are officially classified as "mechanics". i had a dentist in michigan that smelled like alcohol...so...yeah i can see this one.
and now that i live in NC i found that it's illegal for rabbits to race along side of the road. law enforcement best be prepared for my phone calls on this one. also, state law mandates that all couples staying in rooms for one night must be kept in room with double beds, kept a minimum of two feet apart, and making love on the floor between the beds is strictly forbidden. It is illegal to have sex in a churchyard...what if you have church in a hotel between the beds?
these have made me laugh quite a bit today...hopefully, this will make you do the same.
i love you all, and that's a state law...
maynard
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
dear diary (4th grade spelling championship) 03/09/2009`
dear diary,
i can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last blog! sounds like a catholic confession doesn't it? "forgive me father for i have not blogged"...anyway. a recent conversation happened with a good friend of mine regarding spelling, and it spawned a rant (call it what you want) by me. i hold several titles, "husband, father, son, brother, friend, reigning fire fighter of the year (F.E. alumni will understand this), and one i have forgotten about that i did at one time hold dear to my heart. i was my 4th grade spelling bee champion. why this is so significant, i don't know? what i do know is that i smoked the smartest girl in my class by correctly spelling "canoe". i remember this day like it was many years ago....because it was many years ago. i called out my friend for misspelling the name "aristotle", and thus begins the story of my climb to championship status. a term that will forever be in my vocabulary.
i don't remember much of the day. i remember prior to the spelling bee there was a lot of preperation. letters i didn't think i'd remember were spilling off my tongue faster than my brain could process, and correctly. i was on a roll. one by one, fellow classmates began to sit. one by one, i would watch them all drop their heads in defeat. you see the prize for winning said championship was a bag of bbq potato chips and a cowtail. a perfect combination for any young student in a private school trying not to be hyper. this was my chance to make a name for myself. penny face was the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. she was the smartest girl in every class. it came down to penny and me. words were being spelled correctly for most of our competition. back and forth, back and forth not one of us breaking, not one of us sweating over it either. then finally the word came that stumped penny and thus began my championship reign. i remember verbatim how this went down too...
mrs. dean: "ok penny, your word is canoe, canoe"
penny: "canoe, C-A-N-O-W, canoe"at this point, i turned and looked at her with a grin on my face. i had her, and i knew it, and i let her know that i knew it.
mrs dean: "i'm sorry penny, that is incorrect. ok jason, your word is canoe"
me: (i turned my body to face penny while spelling this. i wanted to see the look on her face as i championed my way to chips and a cowtail)..."canoe, C-A-N-O-E, canoe".
i remember my classmates jumping up and screaming in disbelief that i slaughtered the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. picture ralphie from a christmas story when he day dreamed about how his classmates responded once he turned in his theme. cheers from the joining class stopped their teaching because of the cheers. i enjoyed my chips and cowtail. i ate them in front of penny making delicious sounds that was certainly annoying her. sounds like survivorman makes when he eats something delicious in the wild after not eating for days. yeah, i rubbed it in. this was a great day.
i love you, and i love being a champion
maynard
i can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last blog! sounds like a catholic confession doesn't it? "forgive me father for i have not blogged"...anyway. a recent conversation happened with a good friend of mine regarding spelling, and it spawned a rant (call it what you want) by me. i hold several titles, "husband, father, son, brother, friend, reigning fire fighter of the year (F.E. alumni will understand this), and one i have forgotten about that i did at one time hold dear to my heart. i was my 4th grade spelling bee champion. why this is so significant, i don't know? what i do know is that i smoked the smartest girl in my class by correctly spelling "canoe". i remember this day like it was many years ago....because it was many years ago. i called out my friend for misspelling the name "aristotle", and thus begins the story of my climb to championship status. a term that will forever be in my vocabulary.
i don't remember much of the day. i remember prior to the spelling bee there was a lot of preperation. letters i didn't think i'd remember were spilling off my tongue faster than my brain could process, and correctly. i was on a roll. one by one, fellow classmates began to sit. one by one, i would watch them all drop their heads in defeat. you see the prize for winning said championship was a bag of bbq potato chips and a cowtail. a perfect combination for any young student in a private school trying not to be hyper. this was my chance to make a name for myself. penny face was the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. she was the smartest girl in every class. it came down to penny and me. words were being spelled correctly for most of our competition. back and forth, back and forth not one of us breaking, not one of us sweating over it either. then finally the word came that stumped penny and thus began my championship reign. i remember verbatim how this went down too...
mrs. dean: "ok penny, your word is canoe, canoe"
penny: "canoe, C-A-N-O-W, canoe"at this point, i turned and looked at her with a grin on my face. i had her, and i knew it, and i let her know that i knew it.
mrs dean: "i'm sorry penny, that is incorrect. ok jason, your word is canoe"
me: (i turned my body to face penny while spelling this. i wanted to see the look on her face as i championed my way to chips and a cowtail)..."canoe, C-A-N-O-E, canoe".
i remember my classmates jumping up and screaming in disbelief that i slaughtered the smartest girl in my 4th grade class. picture ralphie from a christmas story when he day dreamed about how his classmates responded once he turned in his theme. cheers from the joining class stopped their teaching because of the cheers. i enjoyed my chips and cowtail. i ate them in front of penny making delicious sounds that was certainly annoying her. sounds like survivorman makes when he eats something delicious in the wild after not eating for days. yeah, i rubbed it in. this was a great day.
i love you, and i love being a champion
maynard
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
dear diary (random thoughts) 01/14/2009
dear diary,
i was on the phone with my wife this morning as i drove into work. i cut her off in mid sentence so i can share what is now becoming yet another pet peeve of mine...useless information people plaster on their cars (be it personalized license plates and bumper stickers). now, not all bumper stickers are annoying...wait, yes they are. as far as north carolina? they are the WORST for personalized license plates. i hate them!! well today spawned an idea. my wife first blurted it out, and i ran with it and think it would make money in these dire times. here is the bumper sticker, and the idea...ready? here it goes. bumper sticker: "my grandchild was born by a midwife". ok. WTF????? am i supposed to drive up to this person and wave at them to tell them good job? this person obviously felt the need to advertise it, so we as passerbys (consumers if you will) are supposed to respond right? but how? useless, random thoughts. now, the idea...ready for this? my wife is the brain child behind it, so i will give her credit. however, i will take credit for my bumper sticker as i came up with it. we would like to start a bumper sticker making website that allows you to personalize your own bumper sticker. hey, if you can't beat them join them i guess. i would like to keep the theme of useless information though. for example my bumper sticker would say..."i had corn in my poop today". see? how fun is that? or what about..."my aunt called today". this will soon take the place of stupid little stick figures of your family plastered all over the back of your windshield too! i hate those things too. please feel free to leave your random thought as well.
i love you,
maynard
PS: i've never open mouth kissed a horse before
i was on the phone with my wife this morning as i drove into work. i cut her off in mid sentence so i can share what is now becoming yet another pet peeve of mine...useless information people plaster on their cars (be it personalized license plates and bumper stickers). now, not all bumper stickers are annoying...wait, yes they are. as far as north carolina? they are the WORST for personalized license plates. i hate them!! well today spawned an idea. my wife first blurted it out, and i ran with it and think it would make money in these dire times. here is the bumper sticker, and the idea...ready? here it goes. bumper sticker: "my grandchild was born by a midwife". ok. WTF????? am i supposed to drive up to this person and wave at them to tell them good job? this person obviously felt the need to advertise it, so we as passerbys (consumers if you will) are supposed to respond right? but how? useless, random thoughts. now, the idea...ready for this? my wife is the brain child behind it, so i will give her credit. however, i will take credit for my bumper sticker as i came up with it. we would like to start a bumper sticker making website that allows you to personalize your own bumper sticker. hey, if you can't beat them join them i guess. i would like to keep the theme of useless information though. for example my bumper sticker would say..."i had corn in my poop today". see? how fun is that? or what about..."my aunt called today". this will soon take the place of stupid little stick figures of your family plastered all over the back of your windshield too! i hate those things too. please feel free to leave your random thought as well.
i love you,
maynard
PS: i've never open mouth kissed a horse before
Friday, January 2, 2009
dear diary (wrong number...again) 01/02/2009
dear diary,
well...what a way to start off the new year with yet another good time with a wrong number phone call. by the way...this is blog 100 for me. as i prepare my lunch in the microwave, my cell phone rings. the caller ID says "unknown" so i know this has got to be a telemarketer...let the fun begin. luckily, my friend becky was sitting near by and so i was able to place the call on speaker phone so it can be witnessed. below is the conversation...
me: "hello?"
female voice: "is this antonio blah-blah-tinaz?"
me: "yes"
female voice: "i would like to ask you a few questions"
me: "i'm not wearing any pants"
female voice: "ok???"
me: "i like cheese"
female voice: "sir, you aren't by chance philapino?"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: "hello?"
me: "hello"
female voice: "hello, i'd like to ask you some questions"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: she started speaking in spanish to me...
me: i rambled useless jargin to her in response
she hangs up. tell me again why we don't want telemarketers to call us??? if anyone would like to purchase a recorder for me so i can have them at times of wrong numbers, i would be willing to accept it.
i love you,
maynard
well...what a way to start off the new year with yet another good time with a wrong number phone call. by the way...this is blog 100 for me. as i prepare my lunch in the microwave, my cell phone rings. the caller ID says "unknown" so i know this has got to be a telemarketer...let the fun begin. luckily, my friend becky was sitting near by and so i was able to place the call on speaker phone so it can be witnessed. below is the conversation...
me: "hello?"
female voice: "is this antonio blah-blah-tinaz?"
me: "yes"
female voice: "i would like to ask you a few questions"
me: "i'm not wearing any pants"
female voice: "ok???"
me: "i like cheese"
female voice: "sir, you aren't by chance philapino?"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: "hello?"
me: "hello"
female voice: "hello, i'd like to ask you some questions"
me: "pablo? come to florida"
female voice: she started speaking in spanish to me...
me: i rambled useless jargin to her in response
she hangs up. tell me again why we don't want telemarketers to call us??? if anyone would like to purchase a recorder for me so i can have them at times of wrong numbers, i would be willing to accept it.
i love you,
maynard
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