dear diary (the 4 stages of poop) 03/16/2007

dear diary,
led zepplin has "stairway to heaven", the doors have "light my fire". this is mine. for those of you who know me well, you've heard this before. you can attest that what i'm about to say is true. it stands the test of time. this isn't something that i've conjured up on my way to work. no, this is something that has been in my arsenal now since high school. what spawned the subject are the recent, several questions on my "ask maynard anything" blog. questions brought on by reincarnating old friends, and they're attempt to find humor in fecal matter. they have nothing on me. i have made tweeks through the years with this. however, it's still only 4. some think they can add or take away to them...it's just not possible. i call it simply, "the 4 stages of poop". let me begin...

stage 1: usually felt early in the morning. there's an urge. you know in your heart of hearts that you will poop sometime that day. if ignored, the feeling will go away.
stage 2: the urgency comes back somewhat stronger. this time as the urgency presents itself, loud farting is accompanying it. women, don't act like you don't fart. you peel paint with your gas...i live with them. during this stage, all is well with the world. men have fun being the laugh of the party by farting loud. however, this stage can be tricky (only trained poopers can agree with me). you could go if you wanted to. if you did...you will go again later that day. your sphinkter won't feel fully relaxed if you do go. i highly recommend you wait because if you do...the feeling of having to go will surely pass.
stage 3: the urge is strong my young, inexperienced poopers. you could go, but you won't have the sensation that brings tears to your eyes if you decided to wait. during this stage, the "silent but deadly" fart presents itself. this is a short lived stage. i recommend not leaving the house and getting in a car during this stage. again, the feeling will pass. but victory is around the corner...
stage 4: i call this stage, "pooped bliss". in this stage, you're squeezing your butt cheeks together. you're afraid to fart. you're afraid that if you do fart, you'll have a bit of a nugget in your underwear. there is no waiting...you have to go and you have to go now. in my years of perfecting the art of pooping, i've come to this realization (and it happens in this stage only). when you enter the bathroom, and you physically look upon the toilet, you can't undo your pants fast enough. you all know what i'm talking about. i don't feel that i need to say anymore. once you sit on the toilet...it's an immediate response from your bowels. you have done it. i wish i could give you a certificate of completion for going this far in it. i really do. i think that the feeling you have after you experience this stage, you have your own little certificate. you just flushed it away. this is the stage that after you're done, you go and sit on your couch or favorite chair and breath a big sigh of relief...it's over. the world could be coming to pieces outside your house, you don't care. you're utterly relaxed at this point.

now, many of you have said to me..."i'm in stage 3 now". and i think that's great that you're using my system. i don't think it's great when you start adding stages. there is no stage 5, there is no pre-stage 1. it is what it is. you can't change it or add to it. don't try.
i'll leave you with this. if anyone ever asks you, "do you look at the toilet paper after you wipe?" the answer is "YES". if you say 'no'...you have skidmarks in your underwears. if you don't look, you're not clean.

i love you, you've been a wonderful audience...good night.

maynard