dear diary (fun in an elevator) 02/05/2007

dear diary,

some of my greatest laughs in my life have occured in elevators. for that brief time of traveling up and down through different floors, a full elevator becomes an audience that can't escape. i would like to share with you some instances that i've encountered, along with a thought to top it all off. think of the thought as a cherry...and yes, i have done all of these.
~ i love walking in an elevator and NOT turning around to face the doors. people tend to get real nervous when you do that.
~ when stepping in a full elevator, start jumping up and down. make sure your arms don't flail around. if they do, people can accuse you of invading their space. no one is occupying the space above your head. utilize it. try not to smile when you do too. it adds to the bizarre factor. maybe even shout the phrase, "i'm not touching you"...
~ for really talented people, try standing on your hands with your feet propped between the walls of the door. that way, when the doors open and there are people waiting to enter...they see a man standing on his hands.
~ have you ever noticed that nobody talks in an elevator, or at the very least they'll whisper? try laughing hysterically for no reason. that's a fun one.
~ now, all of the above i have done. but my finest work occured during a trip to new york city. a friend of mine and myself were on a packed elevator (roughly 70 people) during a tour of the nbc studios. i shall preface the story by saying this. i have an unbelievable talent for making fart noises with my mouth without the use of my hands. now...picture two goof balls standing in the back of a packed elevator (nobody talking by the way...because that's the rule in elevators). all of a sudden, i put my head down. and make this noise that sounds so real. people are scared now. you start hearing feet shuffle, people looking at their watches. our tour guide's head is now leaning on the door and it's shaking back and forth in disgust. to divert the attention off of myself and my friend (whom shall remain nameless), shout "now that's just disgusting and wrong". now, everyone is confused. to further the confusion...i pick out someone in the elevator and give them the "how dare you do that in here stare". that caught on quick with the other riders.

my thought...ever notice the sign on the elevator that says "maximum amount of people 22" (or any number for that matter). how would you like to be the 23rd person? "sorry, guys...my bad, it was my fault. i should have caught the next train."

i love you,

maynard