dear diary (breaking and entering) 06/06/2007

dear diary,
what i'm about to tell you is true. there was a time (before i was married) that i was crazy. there wasn't anything i was scared to do (there isn't much i'm scared to do now...as long as midgets aren't involved). but, there was a time in my life where i tried to out do myself. this is that time...
i would like to introduce you to a friend of mine, his name is rick. he's nuts. he and i had this brilliant idea to see if we can break into a very "well off" mall in the metro detroit area...most of you know this mall as sommerset mall. allow me to begin...
it was a cool fall morning, nothing special planned for the day. until i met rick at work. the normal laughter that he and i shared through out the morning was typical. banter, being rude, and just plain mean to people was much of the ordinary. during lunch, we would look for places to get kicked out of (ie meijer, walmart...things of that sort). i looked at rick and asked, "have you ever been to sommerset mall"? he said, "no, but i hear it's pretty sophisticated". then a moment of silence for about 30 seconds. "we should dress up as janitors and see if we can pull off the fact that we work there". "brilliant...let's do it", said rick. that night, we found old construction worker / mechanic scrubs...and left for the mall. no plan, just adrenaline, and balls of steel. we show up at the mall about an hour before it closes (approx. 8pm), canvas the mall, and figure out a way we can get in again...this time after hours. as the time drew nearer for the end of everyone's work day, we proceeded to my car to change. now, we become different people...he's vince, and i'm kip. the names have meaning, but i won't dive into that...for now. we find a dumpster, and a partial opening in the wall...we enter. upon entering (we're in the corridors of the mall at this point) we find 2 large cotton bags full of towels. we suspect they were from one of the food court restaraunts (nasty crap). we each grab a bag, and toss it over our shoulders as if we're on a mission to find out where "they" want them. rick finds a freight elevator staring at us straight ahead, of course we entered. there were only 3 floors to choose from, so we hit "2", and the doors shut, and the jerk of not so smooth elevator elevates us. "ding"...the doors open, and we're faced with about 15 motley looking people that are looking at us as if we've just invaded their privately held meeting. nobody speaks at first. here's where the balls of steel come in to play..."we're from teeberry cleaning company, and we're here to help get your mall past its inspection", i blurted out. i made that up. there is no such company. rick, being the perfect person to pull this stunt off with, chimed in and added, "you have an inspection in 2 weeks, and we're here to make sure you pass it". the 15 or so people look at each other with confused looks on their faces. one of them chimes in and says, "you need to check in with security". "let's go", i say.
now we're in the security office and a barney fife want to be is asking us who we're with. "teeberry cleaning crew" we both said. barney gets his radio out, and checks in with the night manager. "hey jimmy (i don't recall his real name), we have teeberry cleaning crew here looking to see you". "i'm on my way", he replied. about 3 minutes pass, and in walks this gentleman wearing a golf style shirt and khaki pants. "i've been expecting you guys" he says. rick and i are floored with this response. "i wasn't expecting you though for another week or so..." he added. "you have an inspection in 2 weeks, and we had to get here as soon as possible". the look of death fell on his face. "well, let me show you around". rick and i followed behind 'jimmy' trying not to look at each other for fear of losing it. so we started pointing out phoney flaws in the wax job of the mall floor. anything to add to our credentials (i didnt' think we needed to though). "boy you guys sure know what you're doing...i'm glad you're both here". we had him at this point. then jimmy did something rick and i weren't expecting. jimmy looked me in the face, and said (and i'm quoting this verbatim), "here are keys to the mall. with these keys, you can get anywhere in the mall you need to get to. even the stores...if they need cleaning too." a little turd poked out when he handed me a large circular key chain with about 200 keys on them. i looked at rick, and we both nodded to jimmy and asked, "when does our crew come in"? "they'll be here in about 45 minutes, over there is the janitor closet...use the key with the blue tape on it", as he pointed off down the hallway. rick and almost ran to the janitor closet. as soon as nobody was in sight, we lost it. i couldn't believe we did it. we sat for a little getting our grip. then in files 6 men, 4 of which were spanish with no english ability whatsoever, one african american guy who was about a head taller than me, and about the size of a bus, and jimmy. "here's your crew", proudly proclaimed jimmy said. both rick and i looked at this ox of a human thinking..."oh no". rick, i mentioned is nuts. he takes the lead. "let me tell you *#*((@)#**# something" shouted rick. he has a way with words. "you're about 2 weeks away from not having a job, we're here to make sure you can buy your family christmas gifts". i sat down and nursed a soda that i bought from a vending machine....twirling keys. "whoever you @#$#$#@!$#%^ reported to, you don't report to them anymore, my name is vince, and this is kip, we're your new nightmares". the ox of a human that intimidated us the most stood up, pointed his finger in our face and said..."you can go @##$# yourselves...i quit". and out he walked. "anyone else want to leave?" shouts rick. nobody left. we think because they didn't know what he was saying. off they went to do their normal routine.
it's about 11pm'ish' and we need to leave. mainly because we had to work the next morning. but we couldn't leave...just yet. i have keys to mall still, and i can't find jimmy. we walked through every corridor of this mall, and found a conference room. rick and i lean into the door to listen to any voices. we hear mumbling. so true to vince and kip fashion we boldly open the door and walk in as if we own it. and we did. there in front of us is a huge buffet full of food that someone had purchased for jimmy and his crew. rick and i helped ourselves, and didn't even need an invitation to do so. jimmy approaches us. "did you find everything you needed to 'get our mall into shape'?" "yes", i reply as i hand him the keys. jimmy has a puzzled look on his face. "since it's our first night here, i'm not quite comfortable having those on me...maybe tomorrow night". jimmy smiled and nodded. rick and i finish our ribs, wings and fries and mention to jimmy that we need to check on our waste of a crew. "let me know if you need anything guys", shouted rick. "we will jimmy, we will". rick and i bee lined to the nearest exit and straight to my car. we didn't bother removing the scrubs until we knew for sure we were in the clear. as i made my way to the freeway, i realized then that we had just pulled off one of our biggest pranks ever. rick realized it at the same time too. this took place about 8 years ago. i spoke to rick last week, and we still laughed just as hard as we did driving home that night. why are you telling this story maynard? because i thought you would enjoy it. that's why...

i love you,

maynard