dear diary (wal mart)

Dear Diary,


So I had to go to Wal Mart on Tuesday to pick up groceries. What an experience that was! Its a nightmare, especially if youre male. Do you know how many times I had to stop because people dont pay attention to what theyre doing? Men have no business going to these places. Thats why you never see them there. You know how many stares I got from women? I was in there territoryby myself.

I had my list. I plotted my attack. I knew where everything was atdidnt help. I was bombarded by little old women who walk as fast as they drive. Why is it that at one of the busiest grocery stores little old women decide to take their good ole time walking up and down the aisle? And to top it all offWal Mart is stocking their shelves!! What the crap is that all about? Dont they have a night shift that does that? Give me a break!!

So in the midst of my chaotic nightmare, I had to try and find peace within myself. My mind began to wander. What would it be like to shop in one of the busiest stores in America and have order? Ive devised a plan. Would you like to hear it? Good

Menhow do you feel when youre wife asks you to go to the store to pick up a few things? If youre like me, youre terrified. So Im going to start a company. I havent got a name for it yet, but the concept is brilliant! A shopping store designed for men. In said store youll find everything that Wal Mart has to offer but the only difference would be that theres order to this store. Can you imaging that? In order for you to shop at this store, you have to go through a series of training classes. Sounds disappointing, but let me finish. Youll understand why once you hear the names of the training classes. Once completing the classes, youll be handed an ID card that says youre allowed to shop in peace.

Class # 1 Your eyes and what theyre used for in this class youll learn why its important for you to have eyes. They help you see where youre going!!! Try going to the store and not open your eyes one time, let me know how that works out for you.

Class # 2 Your feet and why they take you places this class goes in depth to why your feet piss most people off. In this store there will be designated standing areas so that when you see someone that you havent seen since yesterday, you can move youre happy little feet and shopping buggy over to the area, and chat away. This prohibits the sudden stops in aisle ways and will also prevent bruised ankles from my buggy hitting you.

Class # 3 Why shopping and driving are a lot alike Ok, why is it when we go to the store or a mall that all sense of logic is left in the car? Do we drive on the left side of the road? Do we stop in the middle road to talk to someone that we can easily have called on the phone? Do we not look both ways before crossing the street anymore? THEN WHY DO WE DO IT WHEN WE SHOP????? This class tackles that very subject.

At the end of your training, youll be handed a shopping card. Do not lose this card, laminate it, and put it in your wallet. This is your pass to shop at this store. If you dont have your pass, then go to Wal Mart.

You see, when you shop at our store (havent decided who our really is yetjust sounds good) youll experience the pleasures of aisle ways that are at least three buggies wide. Why are they so wide you ask yourself? Then you look at our floor. We (again, dont know we) have taken on the idea of our transportation systemthe roads more particular. If you notice when driving you cant cross the solid yellow lines. The center line is for turning, and in this casethis would be the standing areas that I referred to earlier. This standing area allows you to pull your buggy to the middle of the aisle, and try and find what it is youre looking for. Keeping the aisles clear of stupid individuals that decide to stop in the middle of the aisle and risk the chance of bruised and swollen ankles. We care about your safety. Our buggies are equipped with turning signals and little horns that you used to have on your bike when you were a kid. Sounds absurd I know, but men are a species that needs ordernot mass confusion. We cant cope in confusionwhy do you think men are bald? Its not hereditary; its what happens when they suffer from mass confusion. I got a little off track, let me get back to the point. At our store, we would need someone who is designated to keep the order. The police for example do that on our roadways. Thats why its important for them to stay at their dedicated posts, and to not bother them with the horrors of shopping. We have our own enforcement.

When you get your shopping card, youll be asked to sign for it. The little hidden print thats on the contract clearly states that if you dont abide by our rules we will be forced to break your nose. This is just a precautionary statement that maintains the level of peace that we have attained. Nobody is going to break any nosesor are they? I dont think you want to find out.

Ive focused on men during this and for that women, Im sorry.

Women, you are allowed to shop at this store. However, you must be accompanied by a registered man who has our shopping card. You will not be allowed to enter unless that man is with you. That means, you cant sneak in your mans wallet and take his cardit has his picture on it. Women will be asked to sign a separate contract that protects other shoppers from experiencing the delight of shopping in peace. Rules for example are as follows

1. Women are not allowed to leave the mans side while shopping. I know that women like to wander off, and do their own shoppingthats why theres Wal Mart.
2. If a woman leaves her mans side, that woman and man will be forced for us to use our precautionary plans stated earlier. Men, I would be very careful of letting a woman shop with you. They can cause you to lose your rights of shopping in our tranquil paradise of peace.
3. Havent got a three yet. But when I do, itll go here.

All right, Ive left one group outthe elderly. Very simple, when you reach the age of 60 (just picked that out of a hat) you will be forced to do extensive training. Four times a year you will go through a rigorous process that weeds out the slow old people. Shopping buggies and orange cones and a stopwatchneed I say more?

I think once this goes into effect, youll see a revolutionary shopping experience that you will not forget. Thank you for your ears, eyes, and feetbecause your feet take you to where you need to go. And heaven forbid them of getting bruised and swollen.

i love you,
maynard